Final Images & Evaluation

Final Images

Outsider

This stage is where this whole period of my life began. During this time I did not really fit in with peer groups around me, I had friends but never had the great friendship groups that spend a lot of time with each other outside of school etc. At the time this was a very big thing to me, I longed to be accepted into a friendship group and tried quite hard to fit in. This image is a visual depiction of how I felt at the time. The white sheep representing the friendship groups that I glorified and admired in my mind. The black sheep, on the other hand, represents me, pushed away and outcast from the others because I was different. 

I used sheep for two reasons within this work. Firstly, to represent wanting to follow the crowd as sheep's are symbols of this. For instance, the saying "don't be a sheep" denotes following the crowd. Secondly, I wanted to play on the symbol of a black sheep. The term black sheep is an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group. An example of this is the saying, "the black sheep of the family". This exactly sums up how I felt at the time and also symbolises what emotions I am trying to portray within the image. 

Acceptance/Lead Astray

For this stage I was trying to encompass emotions of acceptance and unease into my image. At this juncture in my life I was accepted into a friendship group, however, I was welcomed into this peer group was for the wrong reasons. I knew that I should not have been doing this but I enjoyed having friends. 

The location I chose for this shot was Wistman's Wood. I chose Wistman's Wood because I wanted an ethereal and slightly sinister background. The reason for this was to represent the fact that I knew what I was doing was wrong, the sinister element to my actions. The people in white morph suits are symbolising how on the surface I thought the people I was with were nice and fun, even though I did not really know who they were, hence the hidden identity.  I chose to set up the models facing each other as an attempt to further play on the feeling of finding these people and being welcomed into their group.   

Lost

This is my favourite and, to me, my most crucial image. At this point I had truly lost touch with reality and rational thought was a thing of the past. I had moved passed the need to fit in and was stuck in a cycle of intensely numbing my mind to the point I had become an automaton of basic primeval emotions and actions.  I ignored and was blind to my surroundings and how I was affecting others around me, in essence I was lost in life. 

I shot this in a public urban area as I felt it was the correct setting for the emotions I wanted my images to signify. The blur and high contrast of the people rushing around represents me ignoring and being blind to everything around me. The black figure in the centre of the frame being behind and 'lost' among the crowd is to denote how I was detached from reality. 

Anger/Paranoia

At this point in my life I had taken a dark turn and my mind was filled with ludicrous and psychotic thoughts. My mind had cracked, voices rushed through my head and I began to create two different personas for myself, one good and the other evil. I pushed those who were close to me away because I did not trust them, those who I once called friends were now enemies. Everything I did was part of a surreal story where the whole world was watching me and waiting for me to slip up. 

These thoughts drove me to a level of mental distress, where I became angry at myself which I took out on others around me. This image is a delineation of all the personas I had created within my mind. The first being in the background with the white morph suit, representing the good. The second being in the front as the dark and alien skin that I had entered (the black morph suit). Penultimately, the mask of evil and anger that I wore for everyone else to see, with the frantic movement captured to finally encompass the level of distress I had reached.

Hidden

This is the penultimate stage to me finally escaping this cycle of mental worry and torment. After my paranoia became too much I resorted to hiding away from society, I feared civilisation and avoided it at all costs. I stuck to a small group of friends and ignored the rest. However, I still kept to the same routine of numbing my mind, whether I was with people or not.

This image depicts how I had locked myself away because of this delusional belief of society being evil and out to get me. The shadow not only symbolises my idea of society being evil but also a paranoid hallucination that frequently occurred and haunted me when I was on my own.

Final Road

This is the final stage and it summarises how far I came and the fact I still have a long road ahead of me, full of optimism. What I wanted to convey within this image was the fact that since that time of my life I have come a long way and have made some drastic and important changes. The reason I did not create an image depicting that I had escaped and taken action is because it was not that straight forward. After I had escaped I still had a long way to go in finding myself and pulling myself back together. So in essence this image is that journey I went through, going from when I took action to now where I have discovered myself and left everything else behind me. This is portrayed through how I have stepped out of the morph suit and left it behind me as I walk off into the distance.

Evaluation

These images are an amalgamation of certain emotions and difficulties I was experiencing through a transitional period in my life. Each image tells its own story as to my mind state at the time. Throughout each image I have incorporated a black figure.  Within the first it is a black sheep to denote emotions of being an outcast and lonely. The other five images have a black figure who I used to represent me. My reasoning behind this was to portray how I was wearing a false skin in order to fit in that I later became ensnared within. Not only does it convey that but it also acts a symbol for me finding myself. For example, in the final image you can see me stepping out of this false skin and leaving it behind me. 

Throughout this project I have tried to create symbolic images that encompass a variety of emotions, like, loneliness, fear, unease, desolation, rage, paranoia, confusion, optimism and triumph. However, I hope my images will not be restricted to just these emotions as everyone else who looks at my work may interpret each image with a slightly different emotion. I had intended to create a body of work that was relatively open ended, I wanted people to explore my images and create their own narrative to them. They are not just a chronology of my past they are symbols of mind states that some people encounter within life, however how they interpret them is completely subjective to their own mind states. 

This project has been a very significant personal journey for myself and has helped me to put things into perspective and not just cast a shadow over my past. Overall, I am satisfied with how my images turned out considering the limited time scale I had. I believe that I have managed to convey the emotions that I went through throughout this period in my life. I have used a wide range of experimental photographic techniques both pre-shot and in post-production, from using long exposures and flash to capture movement to merging multiple images together on Photoshop. Not only this but I meticulously planned where, when and how to shoot each image so that I was able to, not only convey my chosen emotions but have it all done to the set time scale. I also experimented with different lenses where I found that having a fixed focal length increases the amount of detail you can capture within your image. 

The image, out of the six, that stood out for me the most has to be the third, "Lost". The reason for this being it is personally the most meaningful to me, not only this but it is the first image that I envisaged for this project and I believe I have been able to create that visualisation. Once I had created this image the other ideas flowed quite naturally. It is also the image that I experimented the most on. For instance, when I was editing this picture I tried out different blur filters to see how I could greater detach the people walking past from the character representing me. In the end I went with a motion blur using a mask on the layer so that I could select the areas I did not want blurred by using the black paint brush. The only thing I would change about this image is I would have preferred to shoot it inside the shopping centre as it would have given me a greater angle of which to shoot. Unfortunately, after contacting Drake Circus they said I was not allowed to shoot within the facility. 

In conclusion, I am happy with how my images turned out I believe they each encompass the emotions I wanted them to. However, if I had more time I would of preferred to shoot them on large format black and white film. If I had shot on film I believe my images would be a lot stronger than they are and I would have further expanded my photographic knowledge. I also would have been able to exhibit my images at a far greater scale. Nevertheless, I have created images that I personally like and shall be exhibiting in the Summer Show. 

For the exhibition I plan to frame my images with a free mount that I have designed on Photoshop, as seen in my finals above. I want to create my own mount as I personally feel it gives a sleeker more professional look.